Reflection

I'm tired of being a patient. Tired of being sick.

I am tired of having patience with this tumor.

Like Whitney, "I have Nothing" 

except I don't have the killer vocals

Everything was stolen from me. Life changed in a weekend. 

Lost friends, Lost my husband, Lost my home 

Sucks I know, but people make promises that they don't keep all the time.

I have absolutely nothing for myself, the amount of REAL friends I have can be counted on one hand. It feels like everything has turned against me. Even my own body. Too many surgeries and complications for one person to experience. Is it EVER going to get better? I’m trying to make lemonade out of these lemons life has thrown at me but I’ve forgotten the recipe.

The beginning....

When I was diagnosed I was 29 and had just had my second daughter 3 weeks prior to being told I had a 4.2 cm mass pressing on my brain stem. That was the reason I could barely walk straight my entire pregnancy, I was unable to drive, had severe headaches, and finally my feet started going numb. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it was a brain tumor. I was a bit naive I thought I would have surgery and they would remove my tumor and I would go home. Not true. My whole world changed. My tumor was so large it took more than one surgery to reduce it (removing it wasn't an option) I had so many complications and infections I spent a year in the hospital. 42 days in ICU learning how to feed myself, drink, talk, and do all the basic things again. After my first surgery I caught viral meningitis and had to stay in the infectious disease portion of the ICU and wasn’t allowed to see my kids. Which was cruel and unusual punishment for a new mother like me, I was already dealing with the pain in my head but the one in my heart hurt far greater. Thank heavens for my mother because she had to take care of my newborn daughter while I was recovering at the hospital. She would bring me pillow cases with pictures of my daughters faces on them. My room was filled with their pictures, and when she came to visit she would bring me a onesie my daughter had spit up on so I could smell it and hold it close when I felt lonely. It’s funny how the smallest things can bring a person so much joy! When I finally graduated to outpatient rehabilitation, Aaliyah and I learned to walk at the same time. Fast forward I've now had nineteen surgeries. I always say "that's too many" but I remember why I started this fight and I look at my girls. My life is not my own. I continue fighting for them. I owe it to them. I’m upset that this tumor has taken so much from me but it has also given me so much. It has made me appreciate the special moments. Maybe one day my girls will realize what all I went through for them. A Mother’s Love. That is truly the meaning of life. Enjoy the precious moments. ❤️